Post by Mack on Jan 4, 2011 7:04:18 GMT -5
Mack: I have edited my one year post: Its still very long but it tells the tale of what MEVAC has done for me. To me, it’s a strong recommendation for anyone who would take the time to read it. Perhaps it would give a victim some hope or a perpetrator some courage to own up to themselves….. Here is the edited version....
I happened upon MEVAC more than a year ago while searching the internet for answers. In the preceding few weeks I had begun an awakening. It took realizing that my wife had lost her love and respect for me and our marriage to make that happen. And suddenly I knew….
I “saw” something inside me that I had managed to lie to myself about for many years. I have probably aged five years over the past 12 months with that realization. How is it possible to lie to yourself? On the surface it seems impossible. Lies after all are deliberate. Who would, How could, Why would I lie to myself? The answer to that question is still beyond my full understanding even though I can piece parts of it together.
My wife is this wonderfully gentle, trusting person. When she and I began our relationship I knew she was far too gentle for the wolves in this world.
So how is it that a man (me), motivated to give love, and to care and protect a woman who I knew was too gentle for the wolves of this world would ever begin to use controlling behaviors, yelling and threatening?
Yes, growing up my family fought, argued and yelled a lot growing up. Yes, I had experienced being the victim in a abusive relationship as an adult. Still, that cannot be an excuse. How could I ever see yelling at a gentle woman as beneficial? I don’t have an acceptable answer. There is never an excuse. My spouse did not make me angry. I did that to myself. Just that simple point was a turning point for me. How could I not have understood that? But prior to joining MEVAC I did not learn or understand that simple, basic fact. How does someone with a Masters Degree not see that?
What benefit did I ever receive from yelling, lecturing or threatening? Answer: While my relationship with my wife was virtually destroyed, and while my wife’s level of trust in me turned into a negative number, I received something: some sort of relief of tension, even if just very temporary. I gained from my yelling, lecturing and threatening my wife by releasing inner tension. I gained because "my wife must love me if she was willing to withstand my yelling, lecturing and threatening". I gained because I felt “in charge” something I don’t feel very often despite my professional career position of organizational leadership. I can only assume that the temporary gains were enough to “block out” the destruction I created and to completely destroy the goals I had set for myself of caring for my wife whom I knew was too gentle for the wolves
How could I so completely defeat myself by making her so unhappy?
MEVAC has allowed me to “see” the damage I created to both of us. First to my own goals for a happy marriage and then to the wonderful, gentle woman I have loved all this time in such an abusive, uncaring, unloving way. Its hard not to see it every day now.
Perhaps two months ago I began to realize that by applying the learning, discussion and tools that MEVAC provided me with over nearly a year that my old habits were leaving with how I interact with my wife and my young son. I stopped trying to harden my eleven year old son so that he would be “tougher” than I was when I grew up. I found myself even allowing myself the luxury of being (feeling) genuinely angry yet I felt no need for that to translate that anger into an angry behavior. I find myself hiding the fact that I am proud that I am not Verbally Abusive and Controlling (VAC) and afraid that I will be on the verge of an angry outburst all of the time. I am not anymore. But when you quit robbing banks as someone told me on MEVAC, that is no reason for an “atta-boy.” The simple truth is one verbal "blow up" wipes out years of happy memories in the mind of a VAC victim and it is the perspective of the VAC victim that matters.
I am more grateful than I can explain in words to the Men and Women at MEVAC who have become my instructors and my heartfelt friends in combating this tragic flaw in my own character.
Favoriteson
I happened upon MEVAC more than a year ago while searching the internet for answers. In the preceding few weeks I had begun an awakening. It took realizing that my wife had lost her love and respect for me and our marriage to make that happen. And suddenly I knew….
I “saw” something inside me that I had managed to lie to myself about for many years. I have probably aged five years over the past 12 months with that realization. How is it possible to lie to yourself? On the surface it seems impossible. Lies after all are deliberate. Who would, How could, Why would I lie to myself? The answer to that question is still beyond my full understanding even though I can piece parts of it together.
My wife is this wonderfully gentle, trusting person. When she and I began our relationship I knew she was far too gentle for the wolves in this world.
So how is it that a man (me), motivated to give love, and to care and protect a woman who I knew was too gentle for the wolves of this world would ever begin to use controlling behaviors, yelling and threatening?
Yes, growing up my family fought, argued and yelled a lot growing up. Yes, I had experienced being the victim in a abusive relationship as an adult. Still, that cannot be an excuse. How could I ever see yelling at a gentle woman as beneficial? I don’t have an acceptable answer. There is never an excuse. My spouse did not make me angry. I did that to myself. Just that simple point was a turning point for me. How could I not have understood that? But prior to joining MEVAC I did not learn or understand that simple, basic fact. How does someone with a Masters Degree not see that?
What benefit did I ever receive from yelling, lecturing or threatening? Answer: While my relationship with my wife was virtually destroyed, and while my wife’s level of trust in me turned into a negative number, I received something: some sort of relief of tension, even if just very temporary. I gained from my yelling, lecturing and threatening my wife by releasing inner tension. I gained because "my wife must love me if she was willing to withstand my yelling, lecturing and threatening". I gained because I felt “in charge” something I don’t feel very often despite my professional career position of organizational leadership. I can only assume that the temporary gains were enough to “block out” the destruction I created and to completely destroy the goals I had set for myself of caring for my wife whom I knew was too gentle for the wolves
How could I so completely defeat myself by making her so unhappy?
MEVAC has allowed me to “see” the damage I created to both of us. First to my own goals for a happy marriage and then to the wonderful, gentle woman I have loved all this time in such an abusive, uncaring, unloving way. Its hard not to see it every day now.
Perhaps two months ago I began to realize that by applying the learning, discussion and tools that MEVAC provided me with over nearly a year that my old habits were leaving with how I interact with my wife and my young son. I stopped trying to harden my eleven year old son so that he would be “tougher” than I was when I grew up. I found myself even allowing myself the luxury of being (feeling) genuinely angry yet I felt no need for that to translate that anger into an angry behavior. I find myself hiding the fact that I am proud that I am not Verbally Abusive and Controlling (VAC) and afraid that I will be on the verge of an angry outburst all of the time. I am not anymore. But when you quit robbing banks as someone told me on MEVAC, that is no reason for an “atta-boy.” The simple truth is one verbal "blow up" wipes out years of happy memories in the mind of a VAC victim and it is the perspective of the VAC victim that matters.
I am more grateful than I can explain in words to the Men and Women at MEVAC who have become my instructors and my heartfelt friends in combating this tragic flaw in my own character.
Favoriteson