Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 14:37:12 GMT -5
Good Afternoon,
I have been involved with MEVAC for over 18 months now. I am glad the Lord led me here to recover from something that plaques many souls in our world today, some that aren’t aware. I have learned so much which has completely changed my life for the better. My relationships with everyone around me have improved so much more than I can imagine and I am grateful to everyone at MEVAC for the support, compassion, and commitment to become the men, fathers, and husbands God has called us to be.
Blessings and Love,
Bill
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 14:17:27 GMT -5
“When I first came here, I knew something was wrong with my relationship. I had tried to figure it out but often came to feeling that my wife was “ the enemy”. I knew this was wrong but couldn’t get away from that idea. MEVAC has helped me to see a path through the swamp that was my own thinking. The reading, the emphsis on listening and empathy, and especially the gentle wisdom of the other guys here has helped me change my very heart and soul. The non judgemental support they offer has been priceless, especially when I’m feeling hopeless.”
Chuck
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 14:12:21 GMT -5
From Fred:
Somehow, for over a decade of marriage I lied to myself that yelling and screaming periodically at my wife was normal and acceptable behavior. MEVAC gave me the tools to actually “see” the lies I had been telling myself, and the education and encouragement and support of other men dedicated to eliminating the causes and habit of Verbally Abusive and Controlling Behavior and that has forever changed my life and that of my family for the better.
From Anna:
I had pretty well given up on my husband and when he told me about MEVAC I thought it was just another manipulative ploy of his to control me with some sort of hope for the future and his membership meant absolutely nothing to me. Now, two and a half years after my husband joined MEVAC, I have witnessed his core beliefs about verbal abuse truly change 180 degrees and he is no longer held back by those incredibly hurtful, self defeating verbally abusive behaviors and habits that had destroyed both our marriage and very large parts of me.
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 14:02:53 GMT -5
MEVAC’s existence was an absolute Godsend: just finding it and reading the testimonials of fellow VACs could be likened to finding an oasis after being lost in the desert. The warmth with which I was received by you and the many other members who had committed themselves to change made me realise that there was hope, albeit along a long and rugged road: extending my earlier metaphor, I had found water; all I had to do was find a way to carry it with me.
My problem was alleviated, and continues to diminish, predominantly because of the writings of Patricia Evans and the others suggested on the MEVAC website.
For me, Controlling People was both a revelation and an inspiration: everything, from the numbing of my childhood feelings, the needlessly aggressive attempts to prove my “rightness”, the concept of a dream woman, and the resultant control techniques I employed was comprehensively exposed, and although I know that not everybody shares my respect for this book, it enabled me to see myself in a totally different light. It also became pretty easy to work out who had caused our marital discord, and so for the first time in a long while, I was actually able to engage in sensible and humble dialogue with my wife. She wasn’t interested in reading anything herself, leaving me to sort out my own problems, but she took a very firm stance (and still does) whenever I transgressed.
Let’s not say that the transformation has been easy, or that it is even close to being finished, but it has started …… and I have no plans to allow it to slide. In one of her books (Can he Change?), Patricia Evans suggested a checklist for abused wives to determine if her husband was capable of change. I cannot remember many of the signs she listed, but what did stand out for me was the need to keep reading – knowledge can be easily acquired, but applying it takes practice and reinforcement which can only come from on-going exposure.
I have been lucky: understanding the cause and effect of my behaviour made humility an easy pill to swallow; sharing my problems with family members, close friends and fellow MEVAC members reduced the burden; and having a wife who was strong enough to stand up to me and who was prepared to give me time to change, has made my journey possible. There is a way to go yet, and I suspect that at the age of 53, many of my more-entrenched quirks will be difficult to dislodge, but recognition of the hurt that I caused and my resolve to provide a happy environment for my family are motivation enough for me to continue on this road forever.
Thank you, Mack and MEVAC – I could not have done this without you.
Jonathan10
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 8:14:10 GMT -5
Since joining MEVAC I've learned so much, I am a changed person. My marriage is completely renewed and it's a beautiful thing. I'm constantly working on myself to be the best husband and father and MEVAC had showed me the way. Thank you MEVAC and happy anniversary!
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 8:01:22 GMT -5
This testimonial cam from KEVO:
I will be coming close to my 1st Anniversary in Mevac soon.
When I finally realized that I was a Verbal Abuser, and put my wife Jackie through HELL for close to 5 years, so many great things have happened.
When I finally got the call from Mack, and were given the instructions of what I need to do, I took to Mevac like a fish takes to water. Since the 1st day I started journaling, my wife Jackie immediately noticed that I was and still am putting 100% into this wonderful program. MEVAC became Priority # 1.
I found out that I came from a very dysfunctional child hood, and that had a lot to do with the Verbal Abuse.
The best thing and the result that I am most proud of is the recognition I have been receiving. Not only from my wife Jackie, but my Step Children.
Its going to take a while for the healing to reach fruition, in fact, that may never happen, but at least it is getting noticed.
I have become an outstanding listener.
Developing, and reading my Daily Regimen, has helped me focus daily on what I need to do for myself and for my family. Journaling every day for 180 days, (I Never thought I could pull this one off), but by the grace of GOD , I did).
Agate, one of the Founding fathers congratulated me on this milestone.
Developing Friendships with fellow Mevac members, like Chuck, and John, and Bill, and Steve, and I can go on and on, getting both constructive, and positive feedback have helped me immensely.
Though I have been away from the Conference calls for awhile, just being a part of it, and hearing from the guys you normally read about has been pretty outstanding.
During the past year, I almost lost a wife and family, I almost lost a house, I did lose my job after 34 years. I am working as my own boss, I have become closer to God my higher power, But the MOST important thing of all of this!. My wife and I are Madly in Love with each other again. Sure we still have our moments, but it is so much better than it was.
Jackie and I decided, that our new wedding anniversary is going to be the day I started my MEVAC journey. Cause that is the day, our marriage really started. How COOL is that.
Thanks Mack.
Kevo.
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 30, 2012 5:37:02 GMT -5
To all Victims visiting, We would love to post your story in our Victims' Stories section. Your stories are invaluable to every abuser reading them. If you would like to help all MEVAC members by sharing your story with us and all future MEVAC members please email it to agatemevac@gmail.com and I will post it for you. MEVAC membership is exclusively for Men seeking reform.There are many sites and forums out there for victim support. The creators and administrators at these sites have all of the experience and expertise to give you the support and guidance that you will need. If you are a victim please visit: www.verbalabuse.com - Patricia has a WOMENS ONLY bulletin board/forum with over 6000 victims as members.Thank you for reading. We wish you well and you are in our prayers. -Agate
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Mack
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Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 30, 2012 5:30:59 GMT -5
MEVAC Rules
The purpose of MEVAC is to give men a place to go to learn about ending the behavior of verbal abuse and control and discuss this process with other supportive, like-minded men. It is a very supportive, positive and loving place where all men working on this life-change can support eachother in their common goal.
This board DOES NOT deal with battering or physical abuse. There are many places to go for help with physical abuse. If you are a batterer who is ACTIVELY working on his verbal abuse also, then of course, you are welcome.
MEVAC is ONLY for verbally abusive and controlling men who TRULY want to change. MEVAC access and membership is reserved for men working on reform. Anyone simply doing research will not be granted access and we ask that victims who have so generously posted in the past and are in need of support visit one of the many websites devoted to their needs. (www.verbalabuse.com has a huge forum for women only)------------------------------------------------------------
Posting Rules
1) Personal business solicitations of the 'recruitment' type are not within the scope of this Bulletin Board's purpose and will be removed.
2) Users must register in order to post. Do not use your last name in your username. Posting your story in the "Your Stories" forum is helpful as a way for board members to get to know you and welcome you to the board. If you change your username, it is helpful if you would post your previous board name in your posts for a while.
3) Scripture use is permitted and encouraged.
4) It is our hope and desire that all who use this board will operate with encouragement and kindness. Those who do not act in a kind, gentle and supportive manner will be removed.
5) Mevac has the right to delete/edit any messages that we feel are not appropriate. Notice will not be sent out or posted when posts are deleted or modified.
6) Please carefully consider your words and subject matter. Re-read your post before you hit "submit reply". Editing and deleting (by poster request) of threads by the moderators will be RARE and done on a case-by-case basis at the discretion of the moderator team.
7) Discussions about specific situations and issues will be allowed as long as they remain respectful and polite. Please refrain from making generalizations and judgments regarding your victims. Moderators reserve the right to edit/delete/lock any thread that is deemed inappropriate or over the line. If you wish to have a discussion that you know could spark controversy then email that to the admin(Mack) directly.
Posting Considerations
1) Is it encouraging?... Will it make the person that you are posting to feel better and/or bring him closer to healing and ending verbal abuse and control?
2) Is it necessary?... Will it be useful and practical to the person that you are posting to (or might it be unwanted counsel)?
3) Are you angry?.... Take a deep breath…Go Slow, Be careful, Show respect to others and let us know what is going on and we will listen.
4) Are you engaged in conversation that would be better done more privately?...If you have found a friend and want to chat, please do it in the journals.
5) Do you have a contrasting view? Do you disagree?... If so, PLEASE do it kindly and WITH HUMILITY.
6) Please do not post a message that you would not say to that person face to face.
7) MEVAC is a public place. Do not post email addresses, phone numbers or personal information for security reasons.
8) As a courtesy to other posters, please get permission before quoting someone's words in any place other than on the MEVAC bulletin board (i.e. emailing them to someone, another forum, e.t.c.)
9) To avoid name-calling you must post details. If you post a report or complaint of someone saying or doing something abusive or hurtful you must describe it in detail. If someone posts "my spouse has been so abusive lately it is killing me!" but they post no examples and details stating clearly what their spouse has done or said which is abusive then the complaint or report itself can be slanderous and abusive. Anyone accused of abuse or VAC behavior deserves to have the abuse clarified and named. Simply because someone has admitted to VAC behavior in the past does not mean that another person is now allowed to just state that there was abuse again without naming it specifically. Any posts with name calling, defining or blaming statements without details included will be deleted.
10) Please make your speech and word choices carefully. Moderators will edit or delete as necessary. Profanity will not be allowed. Users who use profanity will be removed. If in describing a situation it is necessary as a quote to use profanity use the asterisk system...the word edit becomes e***. No First Person Profanity or acronyms of profanity.
While we encourage discussion, please remember that we are not all the same. We come from different races, beliefs, and cultures. We must be respectful and mindful of the feelings of others. We are to be kind, gentle, and encouraging.
Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control should always be Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic, Strong in heart...Let's remember this while posting.
If you choose to participate on the MEVAC bulletin board, you are agreeing to follow these rules and guidelines whether or not you agree with the rules, administrators or moderators. MEVAC reserves the right to ban/deny membership to anyone who violates our rules and/or policies.
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 30, 2012 5:28:12 GMT -5
Since I posted Patricia's recommendation above she has written another book...VICTORY OVER VERBAL ABUSE. It is an excellent book and I recommend it to everyone, both surviving victims and VAC men working on reform.
Patricia has kindly recommended MEVAC in her new book.
Thank you, Patricia!
With Love and Respect, -Mack
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 30, 2012 5:17:55 GMT -5
IMPORTANT - The small sections of the website that you can see before your activation as a member are not updated very often - I get many emails asking if the site is still live and active - YES IT IS! Once you are activated as a member you see more of the site where many hundreds of men are working and helping eachother to heal and grow...Please continue on...Register...Take the steps forward...
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 10, 2011 7:14:59 GMT -5
Apart from counselling and the positive diet I also used some other tools:-
1. Committing to reading out aloud my twice daily regimen 2. Writing down and reviewing notes from the Patricia Evans books I read 3. Consistently logging into MEVAC and journalling 4. Consistently supporting my fellow MEVACS by reading, learning, relating back to my situation and commenting in their journals 5. By creating and implementing the breaking of my VAC habit by having a "VAC-free month and journalling my progress every day" (by the way, I am still VAC-free as I have broken the habit!) 6. By being able to listen with true empathy, respect and acknowledgement of my VAC behaviour to my beautiful M when she has flashbacks of my behaviour 7. By discussing with M any VAC behaviour I see now and relate it back to what I did and apologising for my past behaviour and how it cost M so dearly.
These are some things I do off the top of my head - I hope they help someone with their reform.
As you can see, my reform can be broken down to two words - RESPONSIBILITY & COMMITMENT.
Hard work brings results. Half-hearted effort brings failure - that is my creed.
My reform has been totally vindicated by Kaye (VAC Therapist) who sees no reason at all to see me anymore!
I hope this helps
ROL
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 8, 2011 10:03:06 GMT -5
My name is Matt, and I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller, and I have been working on my recovery for 16 months now.
I realized I was a VAC man at the end of August 2009 when an argument with my wife got very intense and it got mildly physical. We separated that night and stayed apart for nearly a month. That first night, I sat that and thought and the shock and amazement of what I realize was finally hit me. What I had been putting my wife through for 8 years. I was, in fact, a verbal abuser and controller. I must have cried on my parents' couch for 3 straight hours as it all finally started to sink in.
Never would I have thought I could be an abuser. I was horrified. After all, I had seen my Dad treat his family that way most of my life. That was normal. There was nothing wrong with that. Was there?
Now I know that the answer is a resounding yes.
I started learning about VAC behavior and seeking help. I moved back home a month later. It's been a lot of ups and downs...but a lot more ups than downs. I have a stronger relationship with my kids than I ever did since I faced up to me being abuser. I still fall down sometimes; but my behavior is not nearly as bad as it once was and when I catch myself doing it, I can now recognize and correct my behavior.
This site is a large reason for my change. I am very thankful I found it, and I still come here and journal every day and give support to my fellow RVACs whenever I can. All the resources you need to stop and change your VAC behavior can be found on this site. How you use them is up to you. You will get out what you put in to stopping VAC behavior.
If you are a man truly seeking to change your ways, this site can be a key component in your reform. There are man who will stand with support, and walk with you on this journey. You are definitely not alone.
Thanks MEVAC. I will be a member for a long time to come.
RAM
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 8, 2011 9:56:54 GMT -5
Although I took a slightly different approach for my recovery, I am grateful for initially finding out that I was a verbal abuser and controller through Patricia Evans' books and the MEVAC site. I am progressing extremely well with my therapy, and my wife, Dorothy, and I will be back together by the end of February. It has been a real eye-opener in so many respects, and my therapist, and my wife's therapist, say that we are both very unique, because I volunteered for therapy and have worked so intensely to change, and that Dorothy was doing all the right things to gain back her self-esteem, and to demand respect from me. It has taken almost a year, to get where we are today, but I would not have realized on my own, how badly I had been treating her until that blessed day that I walked in to the bookstore, and was guided by the Holy Spirit directly to the shelf where Ms. Evans' book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" was awaiting me. That was the moment that I had my epiphany. And it transpired almost one year ago, today. Anyway, I wish all abusers/controllers in denial could have a similar experience right now. There is absolutely no reason to treat somone you love, in the manner that I was treating my wife. MEVAC helped confirm my resolve and pointed me in the right direction, and Mack, you, and all who are using MEVAC, are to be commended for the help and guidance that you provide to recovering abuser/controllers. Ending spousal abuse, in any form, needs to be the highest priority of all men. For anyone needing help, or guidance, whether an abuser or victim, MEVAC is an extremely valuable resource. I highly recommend it! Start right NOW! Peace to Everyone, Rayjay
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
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Post by Mack on Jan 8, 2011 9:52:56 GMT -5
Does your husband appear to be indifferent to your needs? Do you sometimes feel as if you do not exist in the marriage? Are you feeling off-balance in your marriage? Do you try to tell your husband what is wrong while knowing he will not hear you? Do arguments leave your head reeling and your spirit crushed? I used to feel like that until a good friend of mine one day mentioned the words "verbal abuse". That was all she did. She gave it a name. I had somewhere to start on my journey of getting my voice back and I have never looked back. My husband and I have been separated for 8 months now. People tell me I look happier, more at peace. I feel happier and more at peace. I did a lot of reading about the subject and yes "verbal abuse and control" is real, it does exist. It has been around for ages as a means of controlling people It stems from fear and a lack of empathy. It is a the last remaining remnant of our patriarchal society. It stems from fear and it makes it victims crazy. My husband is in denial. He has been brought up to believe that this is the right way to treat your wife. He is unable to respect me for who I am. I have tried everything to make him "see". It helped a little. He went for counseling and did the whole "Christian conversion thing" but it did not last long and was just window dressing in an attempt to get me back. I have cut off all conversation with him because it is rife with abuse and control. I can see it now so clearly. I wanted to know what it will take for him to change his deeply ingrained beliefs and MEVAC showed me. It is my sincere belief that the men on MEVAC fully realize the extent of the problem. I admire them for tackling the problem, for tackling the bull by the horns and wrestling it to the ground. I admire them for holding each other accountable. I wish my husband was one of them because a real man does not back down from a challenge. My husband chose the path of least resistance. He will walk that path without me. If you are a man who made your way to this website you have two choices. Are you going to learn how to connect with your wife, your real wife, the women she really is or are you going to believe that she has a "problem" and if you can just get enough leverage you can squeeze her back into the her "place". Stand up and be counted. Marriage is not a war. Your wife was made to connect with you on an emotional level. You do not have to be afraid of her because God knew what he was doing when he made her. To the men at MEVAC I want to say this: may God bless you and may your efforts be rewarded. May you enjoy relationships without fear and may you find true peace, happiness and strength. From "movingon"
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 4, 2011 7:04:18 GMT -5
Mack: I have edited my one year post: Its still very long but it tells the tale of what MEVAC has done for me. To me, it’s a strong recommendation for anyone who would take the time to read it. Perhaps it would give a victim some hope or a perpetrator some courage to own up to themselves….. Here is the edited version....
I happened upon MEVAC more than a year ago while searching the internet for answers. In the preceding few weeks I had begun an awakening. It took realizing that my wife had lost her love and respect for me and our marriage to make that happen. And suddenly I knew….
I “saw” something inside me that I had managed to lie to myself about for many years. I have probably aged five years over the past 12 months with that realization. How is it possible to lie to yourself? On the surface it seems impossible. Lies after all are deliberate. Who would, How could, Why would I lie to myself? The answer to that question is still beyond my full understanding even though I can piece parts of it together.
My wife is this wonderfully gentle, trusting person. When she and I began our relationship I knew she was far too gentle for the wolves in this world.
So how is it that a man (me), motivated to give love, and to care and protect a woman who I knew was too gentle for the wolves of this world would ever begin to use controlling behaviors, yelling and threatening?
Yes, growing up my family fought, argued and yelled a lot growing up. Yes, I had experienced being the victim in a abusive relationship as an adult. Still, that cannot be an excuse. How could I ever see yelling at a gentle woman as beneficial? I don’t have an acceptable answer. There is never an excuse. My spouse did not make me angry. I did that to myself. Just that simple point was a turning point for me. How could I not have understood that? But prior to joining MEVAC I did not learn or understand that simple, basic fact. How does someone with a Masters Degree not see that?
What benefit did I ever receive from yelling, lecturing or threatening? Answer: While my relationship with my wife was virtually destroyed, and while my wife’s level of trust in me turned into a negative number, I received something: some sort of relief of tension, even if just very temporary. I gained from my yelling, lecturing and threatening my wife by releasing inner tension. I gained because "my wife must love me if she was willing to withstand my yelling, lecturing and threatening". I gained because I felt “in charge” something I don’t feel very often despite my professional career position of organizational leadership. I can only assume that the temporary gains were enough to “block out” the destruction I created and to completely destroy the goals I had set for myself of caring for my wife whom I knew was too gentle for the wolves
How could I so completely defeat myself by making her so unhappy?
MEVAC has allowed me to “see” the damage I created to both of us. First to my own goals for a happy marriage and then to the wonderful, gentle woman I have loved all this time in such an abusive, uncaring, unloving way. Its hard not to see it every day now.
Perhaps two months ago I began to realize that by applying the learning, discussion and tools that MEVAC provided me with over nearly a year that my old habits were leaving with how I interact with my wife and my young son. I stopped trying to harden my eleven year old son so that he would be “tougher” than I was when I grew up. I found myself even allowing myself the luxury of being (feeling) genuinely angry yet I felt no need for that to translate that anger into an angry behavior. I find myself hiding the fact that I am proud that I am not Verbally Abusive and Controlling (VAC) and afraid that I will be on the verge of an angry outburst all of the time. I am not anymore. But when you quit robbing banks as someone told me on MEVAC, that is no reason for an “atta-boy.” The simple truth is one verbal "blow up" wipes out years of happy memories in the mind of a VAC victim and it is the perspective of the VAC victim that matters.
I am more grateful than I can explain in words to the Men and Women at MEVAC who have become my instructors and my heartfelt friends in combating this tragic flaw in my own character. Favoriteson
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 4, 2011 7:01:07 GMT -5
I am a woman who has dealt with verbal abuse many times, in many ways, from many people. Including myself.
My father was a verbal abuser for many years. He was one of the rare men of that time who recognized what he was and resolved to change. And he did change. He died too young at 52. I can only imagine how MEVAC would have helped him!
My mother was, during my early years, a passive-aggressive controller. She changed too. But unfortunately I never got over the abuse I experienced daily as a child and young teen-ager. As an adult I began to rage at people when they hurt me, whether they intended to or not. I knew what I was, and I did not like myself. I drove away at least one wonderful boyfriend and numerous friends.
Fortunately I sought therapy for help in managing my anger. With the help of a therapist, I began to recognize my triggers and calm myself, first during, then before I would lose my temper. Today I no longer rage and seldom even raise my voice.
Unfortunately I married a man who is a passive-aggressive controller. Part of how he was able to control me was by using my temper to say I overreacted to his abusive statements. This was very confusing to me because, like I said before, I did have rages.
MEVAC helped me the most with their lists: 1) Do You Ever, and 2) Have You Ever Said. I realized my husband had been verbally abusive since the start of our relationship. He did not learn these things from me! Finally, I've been validated!
**If you are visiting here because you're told you're a verbal abuser, please write to the administrator (Mack) and tell him your story. You can change, and MEVAC will help you! There is hope - trust me, I've been there!**
You owe this to your family, but most of all you owe it to yourself. MEVAC will help you connect with the wonderful person who exists underneath your abusive "way of being." Yes you will become a better partner and/or father, but you will earn the most important person of all - YOU!
Jojo25
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 4, 2011 6:55:14 GMT -5
Being a fairly new member, and having had the short experience of starting to know my way around the website, realizing there is much more of it to experience, these are some impressions... -There is integrity here, and that brings with it a feeling of safety. -There is a feeling of being well organized, with levels of learning and involvement. -There is support shown and felt. -There is a chance for honesty, vulnerability, and acceptance. -There is something offered here which is suprising in it's quality and important. -There is a huge commitment and investment from a few people, which brings with it a financial burden, that needs to be addressed for the site to continue in the quality way it has started.
Herbie (A new MEVAC member)
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 4, 2011 6:51:32 GMT -5
I want to congratulate MEVAC members for their willingness to try and change from their being controlling and / or abusive in their relationships. I have been greatly impressed with how hard you are working on this and praying about it and admitting to it. That in itself, I feel is a miracle. That is all I wanted from my husband, first acknowledgement that he was controlling everything he could, and second that he was hurting me emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally! None of those happened and I grew older every year trying to hold on to hope and feeling my spirit die inside. I am so happy there is a place for men to discuss with other men things they did, thought, dreamed, desired, and couldn’t figure out! It is next to impossible for most men to be able to express that to us women. Something about ego and id and the differences with what men and women are made of! But I believe if a man desires to change and is young enough to want to be good to his wife and kids then there is hope. In my case we got to old and my husband never thought anything was wrong with the way he treated me or anyone else. Forty years went by, because I was patient, forgiving and loving now I am in the process of healing, finding myself again, and wondering what life leads now at 60. I was 16 when we met and fell “in love”! Now I wished they knew about these “reality one and reality two’s” sooner. No counseling can work without this knowledge because the old style of everyone work harder…is impossible when the wife and kids are walking around on eggs shells already. Keep up the good work guys and gain your families back…or start new ones with greater knowledge than you had before if your previous marriage and family is no longer together. But keep believing and keep working at it, that is what we are here in this life to do. We are not perfect…but we are expected to try and be “perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect”…(and that is in Loving each other) From a former MEVAC member and now continuing with verbalabuse.com’s help and continuing to believe God has a greater plan for me and He will allow it to unfold for me in His perfect time as well. Blessings to you all!
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 3, 2011 6:26:21 GMT -5
Why I recommend MEVAC to every man who has been asked to STOP abusing a person whom he loves: MEVAC is the place that any man who has discovered that he has been verbally abusive with his spouse, family member, friends or work associates and who wants to STOP being abusive; needs to be. As a victim/survivor of verbal abuse (and other abuses), I truly believe that any man who will commit to acquiring and maintaining humility and empathy will have the greatest opportunity to overcome the abusive impulses in relationships and can experience not only healing but restoration of their own minds and hearts as well as relationships. I have seen a very rare accountability and authenticity to the lives of Mack and the men who have committed to being healed of this insidious behavior that leads to abuse and the destruction of marriages, relationships and lives. MEVAC is a program that is far exceeding anything else that is offered to men who want to learn what being a real man truly is. I have seen first hand in my own marriage; how denial of verbal abuse is continued abuse. I have told my husband that to "deny that he has been abusive; does not make him "NOT a verbal abuser", he will STILL be a verbal abuser who has no wife. I have felt the deep pain of betrayal and hatred and verbal and emotional abuse and repercussions for trying to break free of his abuse and control. I have cried and begged and pleaded and went to counseling with him only to be told that "we need to learn to communicate" and in my husband's mind that meant I needed "to obey him better" so his "righteous" angry would "not have to come out" at me. This is abuse. My husband he has deceived himself into believing that “he has the right” as a man of faith; to control and demand that I “submit” to him…what he does not understand and to this day has not admitted, is that his behavior has been abusive and unloving. Abuse does NOT exist where LOVE is. I have felt very unloved and “used”. Though I am healing, he is still denying that he has EVER been verbally abusive to me. (and this is only one of several types of abuse) I only pray that he will come to MEVAC, be willing to see himself and be willing to STOP being abusive to “get his way”. After 11 years, I had separated from my husband with our son in hopes that our marriage might be saved. It has been over a year and his denial of abuse continues. A wife does NOT have a man or husband when he is a verbal abuser in denial. I have decided for my son and I that we will no longer live daily with the verbal abusive and controlling behavior that kills. Abuse kills. It kills hopes, dreams and love. It kills relationships that we all so badly want and need. It kills all the things that “we love”. On MEVAC (Men ending verbal abuse and control) I have witnessed the deep remorse and guilt that a man’s abusive behavior has brought to him and his family. These are whole hearted and honest men who have begun to realize how they have thoughtlessly and possibly even unconsciously abused the power given to them as a man in ways that destroyed the relationship and person who could most help them in their healing. Their marriage and wife. I applaud the men of MEVAC, I believe that any man who will respect a woman who has been battered by his words to agree that his behavior has been verbal abuse and then takes the steps to STOP the abuse; is a “man above men”, a real man. A real man STOPS verbal abuse and domestic abuse. I am proud to have been part and have met these valiant men who are rising above the “world’s expectations” and setting for themselves a higher standard of being “a man”. I applaud them and hope that they know the honor that they bring to their gender, communities and families by committing to MEVAC and conquering verbal abusive behavior. May God bless each and every one of you. Most sincerely, DRM (FreeSpirit)
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jan 1, 2011 9:54:23 GMT -5
Agate's Testimonial
I have spent a disappointingly large portion of my life as a verbally abusive and controlling man. The abuse and control, disrespect and manipulation, crazymaking and defining experienced by my wife over the course of nearly two decades ended our 31 year marriage. Even after I had been told that her love for me had died and that she had fallen in love with someone else, I continued to blame her and to assign our problems as a couple to HER fear of intimacy. it was her desire to leave that started my desperate attempt to clear my conscience and to show her once and for all that she was the source of our problems and not me.
She had said that I was verbally abusive and controlling. How could that be? I knew that I loved her. I knew that I had spent my entire adult life doing what I could to show her. I intended to prove to her that she was wrong.
An internet search for information regarding Verbal Abuse and Control introduced me to Patricia Evans. Patricia Evans introduced me to MEVAC.
If you have read Controlling People by Patricia Evans, then you should understand when I tell you that I firmly believe MEVAC to be a very good example of The Compelling Force at work in our lives.
I have been involved with MEVAC for just over 17 months now. First as a visitor, then as a posting member, and soon after as a contributing member of the journals and the weekly Conference Calls.
I am indebted to Patricia Evans for my awareness and understanding of my VAC behavior and it's origins and evolution in my life, as well as my awareness and understanding of the pain and suffering that behavior has caused for the person I was sworn to cherish and protect.
I will also be eternally grateful to MEVAC. MEVAC gave me hope at a time when I felt I had very little. MEVAC, from the very first visit, has always felt completely welcoming, positive and inspiring.
MEVAC helped me to realize that I was not alone, and that I definitely had the ability to change.
The MEVAC members with whom I have shared the Journal section of the site have become my brothers. It feels like we have fought a war together - the war against VAC. With my brother's help and support, I believe I have experienced real success in my reform. Over the course of these nearly 18 months we have worked together, raising our collective awareness as well as our awareness of ourselves. I am grateful for the presence of every single man, each of them has taught me something along the way. Together, we have developed and shared ideas and tools and philosophies that are helping all of us to change our lives for the better and to grow to become those good men we had always hoped and intended to be.
Many of us who feel we now have a better understanding of VAC behavior and it's origin, also believe we understand that we will be on this path of self discovery and reform for the rest of our lives. And not as a punishment or a penance for sins of the past. To me it feels more like a gift. The gift of the opportunity to get it right. To be awake. To be aware. To learn what it means to have compassion. To learn what it means to really love and to share that love with others. To understand what it really means to be grateful, and to experience that sense of gratitude each and every day for the rest of my life.
I am so fortunate! MEVAC was there, right when I needed it. Thank you MEVAC!
Love and Peace,
Agate
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Dec 31, 2010 20:04:44 GMT -5
I am a recovering verbal abuser and controller. I realised something was badly wrong in my marriage. The arguments and my abuse of my wife peaked with me hitting her. (For the first and only time) It was at that point I sought counselling. 6 months into the counselling I was struggling to find any structured recovery. I understood pieces of my issues but could not put them together.
I found the MEVAC website and talked with Mack. That call and the information on the website gave me hope. Mack was able to describe to me the picture on the jigsaw box. I could begin to pick up the pieces and put them together. I also found that there were other men like me. There were other women like my wife too. The whole of the MEVAC website and users have been very friendly and supportive.
There is a program of activities which, when followed as a package, help to recover from being an abuser. There are different areas of the website which give privacy to users. The journalling program for me was a huge part of my change. Every day events and abusive events are described in detail. Other men offer their perspective, experience and support.
I have been with MEVAC for just over 12 months. My life is completely changed in that year. Looking back to before I hit my wife I feel I was at war with myself. Everything needed to be done a particular way, I had strong opinions on everything, if my wife disagreed I would argue until she gave in. I recognise that now was abuse. Now I feel at peace with my world. My children notice a different Dad, one that cares and hugs. My marriage has not survived the abuse, my wife and I maintained counselling and worked together for over 12 months. In the end we both agreed the damage done during the abuse is just too much for us to trust working together longer. I will maintain a good relationship towards my wife as an ex husband. I believe none of these achievements would have been possible without MEVAC. My first hour talking with Mack is I believe the best hour I have ever spent in my recovery.
Phil (Philster on the MEVAC website)
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Dec 31, 2010 17:16:52 GMT -5
"I often consult to men who realize that they have been actually saying verbally abusive statements to their partners, while thinking something like, "When you fight, aren't you supposed to bring out all your weapons." And once realizing their behavior is not at all what it should be, they seek help and they call me. Along with a list of things to do, and therapy to get, I always recommend that they go to MEVAC - Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control.
This is where they can find other men facing the hard work of changing and becoming the man they always thought they were/wanted to be. "
—Patricia Evans
Author of: The Verbally Abusive Relationship Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change? Controlling People
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Nov 24, 2010 21:20:54 GMT -5
George, I'm thrilled that you are here! You have taken a major step today. I look forward to speaking to you.
With Love, -Mack
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Feb 14, 2010 21:32:21 GMT -5
Mark, So glad you are here! I'll be sending you a private message shortly to help you along...
Welcome!
-Mack Working to be more Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic and Strong in heart
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Oct 14, 2009 9:42:10 GMT -5
Hi, fixitnow! I am so sorry I am late in responding to you - I was traveling and did not see your post until this morning. How is it going for you now? Do you have any news to report?
I understand what you have gone through...I put my wife and family through it for years. I am happy that you are determined to heal yourself. You can do it. We believe in you. I pray for your success.
Please let us know if we can help you or your husband in any way.
-Mack
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Sept 25, 2009 9:44:20 GMT -5
Ken, Plagiarize all you like! It's all for the good of everyone visiting here. Can't wait to get to know you. Already your heart seems to be in the right place and that is a good start!
I love your list!...loving, attentive, kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, humble, calm, peaceful, dignified, leading by example rather than words, always there without exception for my children, understanding, patient, appreciative, non-judgemental, non-domineering, caring, tolerant, reasonable, rational, tireless, committed, spiritual, helpful and thankful.
Very nice! Keep it up! -Mack Working to be more Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic and Strong in heart
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Aug 4, 2009 9:00:29 GMT -5
**There are over 30,000 posts on MEVAC - all helpful to the man who truly wants to reform Register and Activate your account so you will be able to see the rest of the site and begin posting**
IMPORTANT - The small sections of the website that you can see before your activation as a member are not updated very often - I get many emails asking if the site is still live and active - YES IT IS! Once you are activated as a member you see more of the site where many hundreds of men are working and helping eachother to heal and grow...Please continue on...Register...Take the steps forward... VERBAL ABUSE KILLS THE SPIRIT. Verbal Abuse slowly destroys the victim word by word, day by day, eats away at the very fabric of WHO she is. Most people drastically underestimate just how many victims are suffering and withering away every day due to verbal abuse. I will be writing a complete post on what verbal abuse and control does to it's victims...stay tuned for that...for now, I'll introduce myself... My name is Mack. I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller. I say reforming and not reformed because I have not made it to the point yet where I don't have to watch myself in order to always speak and act in an uplifting and encouraging manner. I began MEVAC after much thought and frustration. Almost all of the information available out there regarding the subject of verbal abuse and control is directed towards the victim of the abuse and control. I believe the reason for this is that the victims (the lucky ones) wake up after a terrible relationship with a VAC (verbal abuser and controller) and they are confused, in pain, suffering and they feel the need to reach out to others who may be in the position they were in and help them. So they reach out to others that they can help by writing books, starting websites and support groups for victims; which is wonderful and necessary. To me, having all of these resources for only victims and not the abusers is like having AL-ANON without having AA. What is missing out there is a solution to the problem that helps men one at a time to understand their problem, figure out the source of their problem, map out a road map to follow to heal and stay on the right path forever. So here we are. By working together we can learn, grow, heal and change. There is hope for you! Finding out that you are a verbal abuser and controller is a bit like falling down the rabbit hole. Your entire reality is shaken to the core. To find out that your relationships are broken, that those around you are frightened by you, that something is horribly wrong with you and the way you view and communicate with the world is a very scary and life changing event. Many will deny. Push the truth down. Blame others for their behavior. I beg you to have the strength of character to open your heart and see the truth. Accept the reality that if your spouse/girlfriend or someone else has sent you to this group that they may well know better than you what is going on. Have the courage to read on...begin to educate yourself...post your story...ask some questions. There is a life out there where your relationships can be based on love and mutual respect... relationships which do not rely on fear and manipulation to hold them together. When you start to see the truth in your words and actions it is very scary...to find out that you are somewhat like Jekyll and Hyde...You must get through that period...We will help you. Once you have accepted the truth and began to walk down the right road to reforming yourself you will begin to find out that real relationships based on trust, respect and love are so much more rewarding. You will hardly believe the relief you will feel as you finally let go of the control and you look around to find the world did not crumble...you are still breathing...everything is going to be okay. But please don't think that the road is quick or easy because it is not. It will require courage, inner strength, persistence, honestly, humility, love (not only for others but for yourself) and there will be many bumpy roads ahead...Many difficult days. Please know that you may not save the relationships that you are currently in...This is a sad but true fact. Your decision to heal yourself and change must not be made simply because you are trying to hold your life together. You must make the decision to change yourself because you want to be a whole, loving, caring, compassionate, humble person. Who knows if the damage you have done in your current relationships is repairable? Only those around you. And you must give them the ability to make that decision on their own...You can not control them or their decision to be apart or with you. It is quite possible that you will find yourself alone somewhere in this process. Don't despair. Stay on the right road...stay focused on healing, growing and changing. If it is meant to be, She/They may see your progress and possibly return. Possibly not. You have to accept these realities early on. This is about you fixing you. This is about you being a truly loving, caring giving, honest, humble, compassionate man with true inner strength. As those traits begin to develop, you will learn to love yourself again and the fog and fear will begin to lift. There are many things to be done to begin to develop a new way of thinking, seeing, hearing, acting, speaking, listening and living. It is very much like you are a toddler re-learning everything you thought you already knew. Many of the activities and new habits that you will need are here, on this site, and many more will be added as we continue to grow and we all share our ideas and successes with each other. Once you have registered and been activated I recommend beginning on the home page and start from the top...don't skip anything...you can not get too much information...before you know it, you will be putting together your own daily regimen, with your own lists and prayers and you will begin to emerge from the world in which you have been immersed for so long. We are a community of men caring for each other, helping each other, supporting each other for true and lasting change. We welcome you to join us and along the way we will help you and you will help us. You are not alone on this very difficult and trying journey. Welcome. Read. Learn. Examine yourself. Accept the truth. Make a decision to change. Share. Heal. Grow. Change. I'm always here for you. -Mack ___________________________________________________ MEVAC Prayer (we state aloud during our conference calls) God, Grant me the humility to focus on MY faults and shortcomings and ignore the faults and shortcomings of those around me. Implant in me the virtues of gentleness, patience, kindness, compassion and empathy to communicate with everyone as I have always wished, in my heart, others would communicate with me. Help me to be stable and level-headed, always maintaining control of my emotions and displaying strength of heart. Let me curb the fury of anger and restrain all resentment, attain your peace, and rejoice in your love. Remove all lust from my heart, so that I may view all women purely, respect them, and in the process, develop meaningful relationships with them and develop true respect for myself. Help me to replace the habits of criticizing and judging with the virtue of Love, always supporting those that I love, in every component of our relationships, as you intended, putting their needs above my own in a caring and loving manner. Remove all pride and arrogance from me; Let me acknowledge my weaknesses and mistakes quickly, humbly and without hesitation; always remembering to apologize sincerely when I have hurt or offended another. ______________________________________________________ The MEVAC statement we state aloud during our conference calls is: MEVAC Member Statement – Throughout the course of my life I have slowly and unintentionally developed the habit of employing Verbally Abusive and Controlling tactics against those I love most in a futile attempt to protect myself from the irrational and often subconscious fears and insecurities that plague me. I am a member of MEVAC because I choose to change the way I think, act and communicate. I promise to put the interests of my loved ones first and to work diligently towards true humility, self mastery, kindness, gentleness, empathy and compassion. I give my word that I will complete my daily journal and regimen. I promise to reach out to other MEVAC members not only in my time of need but in theirs. I will hold myself and my MEVAC brothers accountable for displaying and living all of the MEVAC virtues at all times. I will provide love, an uplifting spirit, care, support and guidance to all of my MEVAC brothers, to the best of my ability.
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Mack
Administrator
Focus: Humility and Empathy
Posts: 1,515
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Post by Mack on Jun 12, 2009 16:31:45 GMT -5
Evergreen, I'm glad you are here. We would all really like to hear your story...overall situation...history...what brought your attention to your behavior...what have you done so far...what is your plan...etc. The more we share here - the more helpful we can be to others- and the more help and support we can get for ourselves. I'm looking forward to getting to know you. -Mack
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