Poncho72 testimonial...

[jb61]

Jun 16, 2015 5:27:53 GMT -5 yep in waiting317 said:

Jun 11, 2015 12:01:56 GMT -5 yep in waiting said:

I am rather anxious myself. I started this quest in order to show that I was doing something about my abusive nature. Now I find myself actually wanting to change. I don't like being mean.
I've started reading " The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I find much of what refers to the victim relates to me as well. I went through a long abusive marriage and am now in a slightly abusive relationship. While my GF has past emotional scaring, I feel she tests my anger. I know that does sounds like a copout, yet I find the book tends to back me up. I react to certain stimulus. Something the author seems to downplay as verbal abuse. I tend to disagree in that my words become far worst than the stimulus. I am not looking for more excuses. I am an abuser, as described in many of the details. I go to far.
Mind you, I do like the book and feel it will be of great help. I would like to see some discussion on it, hopefully get into the forums. The threads so far have been a lot of help.
Real men control themselves and there is no reason for abuse.

I'm still provisional. Been reading and done my story and have started my Twice daily regimen. Been doing the "to do" list. Idk if you can see the Twice daily regimen posts but if you can I have found that reading them has greatly hightened my awareness of what to do. Alot of good stuff there. Just my two cents. Hope it helps. Jb

[Jmsing]

It's been over a week since I registered and I am still waiting to be accepted. I can only see the guest posts and threads. I am really anxious to start my new life as a non-verbal abuser. I have read Patricia's book and now am ready to find the tools to start changing. Any help getting accepted would be appreciated, even the email with a to do list would help right now. Thanks

[Soldier]

Hello Jmsing,

Welcome to MEVAC you are already on your way!! I see that you have expressed that it has been a while and you have yet to be accepted on the site as a provisional member. I know this can feel like a terribly long time to wait when you first get here but can tell you that it is more than worth it once the process is complete. The process is also important so that we can feel safe and secure, once we are in the journal area, as we begin to talk about our thoughts and feeling for our other brothers to help us process though. The current site moderator is Agate and he can be reached via email at [e-mail] if you want to reach out and see what is going on. I will also attempt to contact him on my end as well at our weekly conference call this Thursday.

While you are finishing your wait I would throughout three books that I often preach about here within the forums that have helped me greatly. For me these three books were different because they were more about offering solutions towards my own reform and recovery as appose to building additional awareness for the problem itself. Awareness is important but at some time we also need to devise plans of action so as to be able to use our awareness to end these behaviors once and for all.

First would be a book called "Love Without Hurt" by Dr. Steven Stosny which helps to outline some tools that we can use to help move us out of our broken hurt state and into a more positive state of value. He also outlines how to change our core values so as to re-wire our brains towards the path of recovery and new solid behaviors. Next would be "The Fifth Agreement" by Don Miguel Ruiz and his son don Jose Ruiz. This book helps to change our perception on the way we see things in our world. In this change comes a heightened sense of compassion and empathy as we start to learn how our own personal perspective is not always the only one or even the shared one when things are being viewed by others. Along the way this book also helps to build off of Stosny's work by showing us how to better define what our personal place of value can and should look like. Lastly there is one called "Emotional Abuse: Silent Killer of Marriage - A 30 Year Abuser Speaks Out" by Austin James. This is a book written from the perspective of an abuser whom finally became aware and was able to make great strides towards recovery and reform for himself. It provides much needed hope and inspiration as well as some interesting ideas and tools that may help you to more quickly get to the root of what caused you to behave this way in the past. This last one is like a level 100 college class in that it goes about 1 foot deep but has a width of a mile as far as material. What I did find within it was an awesome understanding of what I feel is likely to have led me to my current spot as well as some really nice avenues to continue my own research for my personal reform and recovery.

This last book may also be very helpful for your partner as well, assuming that you have one currently, if and when she is in a place where such material interests her as it really could help to outline some of what many abusers have faced that has led to their use of such negative behaviors in the past. A word of caution here though as many ex-victims do not want to be so actively involved in our own recovery and reform process and even when they do often we can face additional anger form our ex-victims as they start to better realize the level of our abuse. It may be best to hold on to books like this until you find your relationship on much more sure footing.

Welcome to MEVAC one more time and know that we are here to help each other and in the process help ourselves. We are all going through similar trials and whenever one man shares, we all grow from it. Keep the patience and know that on the other end of that perseverance will be a large plethora of materials that you will be able to consume and use to aid in your ultimate goal which is to end once and for all these negative behaviors from your life and the lives of those you are closet to. God bless brother.

[AvoidNoMore]

Hi, I guess I'll post here as other's have just because I am eager to get started sharing my story and becoming involved on this site, to become who I have always thought of myself to be.

I have recently discovered and accepted I am a verbal abuser. I started reading my Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and then came across this site independently, although apparently she recommends it, so that's good.

The first 50 pages of the book spoke to me, and something really clicked. Beyond her explanations of what the abuser goes through and feels like, she had a list of what two people who are in a "Personal Power" healthy relationship bring to the table, and they all read like an expansion of the idea of "You have to love yourself before you can love another." And the list hit me, because two thirds or more of the items I felt I didn't feel towards myself. I feel like I final have exposure one of the root causes of my relationship problems that I have been blind to in a way before now.

I picked an initial username of fancyman55 (I don't know, something anonymous?), but will change it probably to "AvoidNoMore" or something similar as I think so far my biggest problem is avoiding responsibilities, or things I don't want to deal with, in my life. That seems to start nearly every abusive situation with my wife in one way or another, so that is a big focus for me right now.

Looking forward to becoming an active member, and finding positive change.

[IWantToHeal]

Welcome AvoidNoMore. It's interesting that you picked up on the dynamics of a couple in a personal power/healthy relationship. We who have undertaken this journey are learning to relate to our spouses/partners from the standpoint of love, compassion, and humility instead of ego. You have come to the right place for support, guidance, love, and wisdom. Continue to be patient. We are looking forward to you making out of the guest phase, into the provisional phase, and then to the journal area. Well wishes.

[Spartacus71]

I'm new to this board and NEED help to get me through my vac problems. How do I get passed the "pending approval" phase? I have been waiting several days.

Many thanks

[agate]

Spartacus,

Welcome to MEVAC!

The registrations are currently being taken care of by me, usually in blocks of 4 or 5 registrations at a time, and attempting to have no one wait any longer than 4 or 5 days to be processed.

There are no professionals working within this support group.

Those that will attempt to help you are laymen, just like yourself.

The banner at the top of the homepage asks for your patience - that request is both sincerely and practically based.

Throughout this journey, it will not help you to attempt to leverage control by misrepresenting the facts, and although you have stated here you have been waiting

"several days", the board actually clocked your registration request at 1:53 AM yesterday, which means you have actually been waiting for about a day and a half.

I will be processing your registration when I get home from work this evening. Please look for my welcome email in approximately 12 hours from now.

Patience, empathy, humility. Those will be your 3 most helpful tools in this process. Patience may be the most valuable of all.

I look forward to hearing your story, with

Love and peace,

Agate

[Ryan]

Hey glad I found this forum just wanted to say great thing y’all have here

[fittingthemo]

Ryan,
Curiosity leads us to interesting places, does it not?
I could not agree more to your observation and hope that if you continue to be curious and have questions….we are listening.

[gregory66]

HI,

How do I get access to journals and conference calls.

thanks for your response.

[fittingthemo]

gregory66
Greetings. I have read your posts and want to offer any assistance I can.
This last question is a good one. Good because it suggests that you are indeed searching, curious and perhaps longing for something you perceive to be beyond your current awareness.

Part of the answer lies in the original e-mail that Agate, our administrator, sent you upon your admittance as a provisional member. This spells out the protocol for deeper involvement into this site.
Your first post appears to be July 3 if that assists in finding that e-mail. If you would like that resent, this we can do, just ask. That is exactly what I had to do. I was so anxious, backwards and beside myself at that point in time, that clear messages were missed, if not ignored. I am getting better. I hope that you can make that claim and know it to be true as you continue your search.

Ask your questions, follow the protocol, Grant yourself some patience.

[agate]

gregory66,

I just re-sent you another copy of the Welcome Letter that includes your Journal Access Instructions.

Peter Kelsey (Agate)

[MarianH1]

Hi brothers! God bless you all!

I am not fully conscious that I am a VAC and I guess it is normal at this initial stage of wakening. When I read the Patricia's books, I see myself as a victim of the abuse, and only from the effect I have on my wife, kids and people around me I assume that I am an covert abuser, withholding, denying by "forgetting" and all this not so obvious behavior. Looking forward for support...

[iamthechange]

Hi MarianH1,

You have taken a big step to open yourself up to change just by coming here. I have a deep history of behaviours similar to yours. So it is never to late to recognise that you need to find a better way to behave with those who you love and cherish the most.

The most difficult part of having covert abusive behaviours and a victim mindset is letting go of the ego side of myself and letting go of control of the outcome of everyday situations just because i want to be right.

The opposite is actually the more natural and neutral behaviour and beneficial for all...but i must recognise that everything in life requires team work and that i allow myself to be vulnerable in a way that gives others space to be themselves around me. Not someone who needs others to validate everything i do, say or want.

I struggle with this even to this day, i just have to stick to the program to heal myself and keep moving forward.

I am glad you found this platform...stick with it and i hope you can see the benefits of being amongst so many of us with experience to offer you support on this new journey you have decided to embark on.

Welcome and best wishes.

[botany]

Hello! I am a verbal abuser. I always thought I just spoke the truth and the truth is not very popular. However after reading a number of books including a couple of books by Patricia Evans: the verbally abusive relationship, Controlling People, victory over Verbal abuse, and the verbally abusive man can he change? Also I have read Randy Floods Book: Stop Hurting the Woman You Love. I realize even though I feel I am speaking the truth the other person is being verbally abused. I appreciate this site and forum to help with this issue. I have found that understanding it from the abused person viewpoint has helped me to be a little more empathetic. I still feel I have a long way to go and wonder if I will ever heal. My relationship is up in the air right now. Much trust is gone. We are still talking but I can feel the distance. Things I have said can’t be undone. I look forward to reading all the stories and feedback. Thank you all