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[Mack]

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VERBAL ABUSE KILLS THE SPIRIT. Verbal Abuse slowly destroys the victim word by word, day by day, eats away at the very fabric of WHO she is. Most people drastically underestimate just how many victims are suffering and withering away every day due to verbal abuse. I will be writing a complete post on what verbal abuse and control does to it's victims...stay tuned for that...for now, I'll introduce myself...
My name is Mack. I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller. I say reforming and not reformed because I have not made it to the point yet where I don't have to watch myself in order to always speak and act in an uplifting and encouraging manner.
I began MEVAC after much thought and frustration. Almost all of the information available out there regarding the subject of verbal abuse and control is directed towards the victim of the abuse and control. I believe the reason for this is that the victims (the lucky ones) wake up after a terrible relationship with a VAC (verbal abuser and controller) and they are confused, in pain, suffering and they feel the need to reach out to others who may be in the position they were in and help them. So they reach out to others that they can help by writing books, starting websites and support groups for victims; which is wonderful and necessary. To me, having all of these resources for only victims and not the abusers is like having AL-ANON without having AA. What is missing out there is a solution to the problem that helps men one at a time to understand their problem, figure out the source of their problem, map out a road map to follow to heal and stay on the right path forever.
So here we are. By working together we can learn, grow, heal and change.

There is hope for you! Finding out that you are a verbal abuser and controller is a bit like falling down the rabbit hole. Your entire reality is shaken to the core. To find out that your relationships are broken, that those around you are frightened by you, that something is horribly wrong with you and the way you view and communicate with the world is a very scary and life changing event. Many will deny. Push the truth down. Blame others for their behavior. I beg you to have the strength of character to open your heart and see the truth. Accept the reality that if your spouse/girlfriend or someone else has sent you to this group that they may well know better than you what is going on. Have the courage to read on...begin to educate yourself...post your story...ask some questions. There is a life out there where your relationships can be based on love and mutual respect... relationships which do not rely on fear and manipulation to hold them together. When you start to see the truth in your words and actions it is very scary...to find out that you are somewhat like Jekyll and Hyde...You must get through that period...We will help you. Once you have accepted the truth and began to walk down the right road to reforming yourself you will begin to find out that real relationships based on trust, respect and love are so much more rewarding. You will hardly believe the relief you will feel as you finally let go of the control and you look around to find the world did not crumble...you are still breathing...everything is going to be okay. But please don't think that the road is quick or easy because it is not. It will require courage, inner strength, persistence, honestly, humility, love (not only for others but for yourself) and there will be many bumpy roads ahead...Many difficult days. Please know that you may not save the relationships that you are currently in...This is a sad but true fact. Your decision to heal yourself and change must not be made simply because you are trying to hold your life together. You must make the decision to change yourself because you want to be a whole, loving, caring, compassionate, humble person. Who knows if the damage you have done in your current relationships is repairable? Only those around you. And you must give them the ability to make that decision on their own...You can not control them or their decision to be apart or with you. It is quite possible that you will find yourself alone somewhere in this process. Don't despair. Stay on the right road...stay focused on healing, growing and changing. If it is meant to be, She/They may see your progress and possibly return. Possibly not. You have to accept these realities early on. This is about you fixing you. This is about you being a truly loving, caring giving, honest, humble, compassionate man with true inner strength. As those traits begin to develop, you will learn to love yourself again and the fog and fear will begin to lift.

There are many things to be done to begin to develop a new way of thinking, seeing, hearing, acting, speaking, listening and living. It is very much like you are a toddler re-learning everything you thought you already knew. Many of the activities and new habits that you will need are here, on this site, and many more will be added as we continue to grow and we all share our ideas and successes with each other. Once you have registered and been activated I recommend beginning on the home page and start from the top...don't skip anything...you can not get too much information...before you know it, you will be putting together your own daily regimen, with your own lists and prayers and you will begin to emerge from the world in which you have been immersed for so long. We are a community of men caring for each other, helping each other, supporting each other for true and lasting change. We welcome you to join us and along the way we will help you and you will help us. You are not alone on this very difficult and trying journey.

Welcome. Read. Learn. Examine yourself. Accept the truth. Make a decision to change. Share. Heal. Grow. Change.

I'm always here for you.

-Mack



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MEVAC Prayer (we state aloud during our conference calls)

God, Grant me the humility to focus on MY faults and shortcomings and ignore the faults and shortcomings of those around me. Implant in me the virtues of gentleness, patience, kindness, compassion and empathy to communicate with everyone as I have always wished, in my heart, others would communicate with me. Help me to be stable and level-headed, always maintaining control of my emotions and displaying strength of heart. Let me curb the fury of anger and restrain all resentment, attain your peace, and rejoice in your love. Remove all lust from my heart, so that I may view all women purely, respect them, and in the process, develop meaningful relationships with them and develop true respect for myself. Help me to replace the habits of criticizing and judging with the virtue of Love, always supporting those that I love, in every component of our relationships, as you intended, putting their needs above my own in a caring and loving manner. Remove all pride and arrogance from me; Let me acknowledge my weaknesses and mistakes quickly, humbly and without hesitation; always remembering to apologize sincerely when I have hurt or offended another.
______________________________________________________

The MEVAC statement we state aloud during our conference calls is:

MEVAC Member Statement –
Throughout the course of my life I have slowly and unintentionally developed the habit of employing Verbally Abusive and Controlling tactics against those I love most in a futile attempt to protect myself from the irrational and often subconscious fears and insecurities that plague me. I am a member of MEVAC because I choose to change the way I think, act and communicate. I promise to put the interests of my loved ones first and to work diligently towards true humility, self mastery, kindness, gentleness, empathy and compassion. I give my word that I will complete my daily journal and regimen. I promise to reach out to other MEVAC members not only in my time of need but in theirs. I will hold myself and my MEVAC brothers accountable for displaying and living all of the MEVAC virtues at all times. I will provide love, an uplifting spirit, care, support and guidance to all of my MEVAC brothers, to the best of my ability.

[jamesjrc50]

Dear Mack,
I could not have heard anything else as enlightening as this. I finally feel some hope for my situation. I have come to the realization that I am a verbal abuser. I'm ready to heal. Unfortunately my relationship with my wife may be irreparable. We are currently separated. It does not look good us, but I have hope for me. I look forward to being involved in this site.
Thanks,
James

[Ken]

Dear Mack,

Right now I feel so blessed to have this site and yet, even as I sit here my children call me away for bedtime stories, cleaning and the rest. I will get to post my story. BUt for now I just wanted to say thank you. To have put this in place speaks to me about your heart and I feel I've found a kindred spirit, and probably more out there.

I have so much reading to do. I am going into counselling next week. But the first thing I wanted to try to do was to change my daily regimen immediately. So, I've plagiarised a few of your daily priority list from yourself and Brian, et al, and printed them out to read and meditate on. For the moment, all I can offer myself and anyone who wants to read it is the following. It is going to be my life's labor to follow on from where I'm beginning now, but I'm praying that someday I'll be happier in my own skin. That would be a lifelong change for me.

To be the husband and father I deeply desire to be in this life I must make certain commitments which I have failed to make consistently to this point in my marriage. Starting today I choose to be loving, attentive, kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, humble, calm, peaceful, dignified, leading by example rather than words, always there without exception for my children, understanding, patient, appreciative, non-judgemental, non-domineering, caring, tolerant, reasonable, rational, tireless, committed, spiritual, helpful and thankful. I thank God every morning for the Blessings of my family, who are the light in my life.

[Mack]

Ken,
Plagiarize all you like! It's all for the good of everyone visiting here.
Can't wait to get to know you. Already your heart seems to be in the right place and that is a good start!

I love your list!...loving, attentive, kind, considerate, respectful, supportive, humble, calm, peaceful, dignified, leading by example rather than words, always there without exception for my children, understanding, patient, appreciative, non-judgemental, non-domineering, caring, tolerant, reasonable, rational, tireless, committed, spiritual, helpful and thankful.

Very nice! Keep it up!
-Mack
Working to be more Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic and Strong in heart

[fixitnow]

Hi,

I have happened upon your site and have found support that was so welcomed and unexpected to me in my current position. I am presently at my breaking point of being torn down to my core and am ready to think about moving out and on with my life. I have been married for 26 years and during that time raised 2 great kids who have been a support for me as well. They have been effected by the behavior of my husband too but that is a story to relate at a later time when I can sort through things more clearly to post. I'm going to a hotel this weekend and regrouping to try and figure out where to go from here. I love my husband but can't live with him anymore and think that it will be better for him to go on without me. He realizes the pain that he has caused us and I believe that this is the only way that he'll be able to start to repair himself as well. I don't know and don't have any answers that are "right" or "wrong"-all I know is that I'm down for the count and need to repair.

I look forward to sorting through things and seeing how others are getting on.

[agate]

Dear Fixitnow,

Welcome to Mevac! I am one of the members here, and I have been coming to this site for close to two months now.If you find that your leaving serves as a successful wake-up alarm to your abusive husband, the two of you will not be alone. In almost all cases, it takes the departure of the partner, or sometimes just the threat of that departure for him to get the message. That was definitely true for me. My wife filed for a divorce after 31 years of marriage, the last 21 of which were very difficult for her because of my abuse and control. She felt she needed to get away to stop the crazy behavior and to regain the sense of self she had lost in trying to counter and combat my irrational, controlling ways. I am working on myself to attempt to grow back into the man I should have been for myself, my wife, and my children. Even if we are no longer married or living as partners, life is going to be much better for all of us. It certainly would have been my dream to reconcile at some point , but I'm afraid the trauma for my wife over so many years has been too great to make that possible.
If your husband is truly aware of the damage he's caused, and shows a genuine interest in trying to change his abusive and controlling behavior, if the two of you are able to talk about it, please suggest this site as a place he can come for support and help
The men here are really good people with good hearts. We understand the damage we have caused, and we are working very hard to heal ourselves and our families.
You are very strong and courageous to be taking the steps you are taking. If you feel you need additional help or support , please also consider visiting verbalabuse.com That is Patricia Evans' site where victims and survivors of verbal abuse can find validation and support.

I will be thinking of you and your family today, and hoping you will continue to be able to find the strength you will need to make the decisions that will allow you to heal and recover.

[Mack]

Hi, fixitnow!
I am so sorry I am late in responding to you - I was traveling and did not see your post until this morning.
How is it going for you now? Do you have any news to report?

I understand what you have gone through...I put my wife and family through it for years. I am happy that you are determined to heal yourself.
You can do it. We believe in you. I pray for your success.

Please let us know if we can help you or your husband in any way.

-Mack

[rayjay]

Dear Mack,
I have only just awakened up to the fact that I am a verbal abuser and controller. Approximately a week and a half ago, I believe I was led by God to a shelf in the book store, and right in front of my face was Patricia Evans' book, "The Verbally Abusive Man, Can he change?". I glanced at the cover and then flipped through a few pages, and I finally realized how terrible I have been to my spouse. I purchased the book and have gone back now and purchased three other of her books. I have denied and ignored my wife's pleas for me to acknowledge that I had a problem, until now, and I am committed to changing my life to the man I never was for my wife and for my adult children. I really appreciate the fact that you have established this site and am looking forward to reading, and learning, and eventually sharing with the group. Thank You!

[mark]

I am a new memeber and I am just starting to deal with my problem of verbal abuse. My wife has recently left me but we are in contact by phone. She appreciates my efforts and in time said she might return,but I have accepted the fact that she might not. I need to understand what it is that i have to fix and control

[Mack]

Mark,
So glad you are here!
I'll be sending you a private message shortly to help you along...

Welcome!

-Mack
Working to be more Gentle, Stable, Humble, Loving, Caring, Compassionate, Empathetic and Strong in heart

[terrythompson]

After several of months of counciling my wife left me. We have been seperated for two months now. We have both continued our counciling seperately. But in the last few weeks we have gone back to couples counciling. I am having a hard time getting my head around that I am a verbal abuser. I am a strong Christian man and I have tried to never put my wife down and support her. For the first 10 years of our marriage we moved 3 times so she could complete her education and get her PhD. I was also more than happy to do this. But the problems really started when she started working in her first job. She would ask my opinion on opportunities about her job. I would answer in a truthful manner. Or so I thought. She felt that my answer was not supporting what she wanted to do. So our councilor say that is verbal abuse. I am so confused. We are totally committed to rebuilding our marrage. I just need help working thru this verbal abuse thing.

[athelstan]

Hi Terry, and welcome to MEVAC!

It's a remarkable fact that many people who are verbally abusive or controlling just don't seem to see that they are! There can be more than one reason for this, but sometimes it may simply be a "mental block" of some kind.

Obviously it has to be confusing to you, not to say frustrating, if you're being told you have a "problem" with verbal abuse but can't properly "see" the problem or get your head around it. I'm sure we can help you with that here.

It sounds promising if your wife is committed to rebuilding your marriage just as you are. I hope the fact that you're both in couples counseling will also help you identify where the problem lies. Obviously it would be hard for anyone to pinpoint a problem with verbal abuse without opportunities for you and your wife to interact with one another, preferably with a third party (the counselor) observing the two of you.

About the discussions you've had with your wife regarding her job, while simple disagreement or differences of opinion can cause friction between couples, they do not amount to "verbal abuse" in themselves. So in view of everything you've told us, I'd want to know more before saying "yes, you must be a VAC." Of course, the fact that a counselor is seeing verbal abuse behind it suggests there's more to the problem than simple disagreement. So it certainly needs looking into further. The only trouble is that sometimes counselors get it wrong as well!

It would certainly help if you can list examples here of interactions with your wife that she (or the counselor) sees as "verbally abusive," particularly if you yourself find it hard to understand why anyone would see them that way. Mind you, when we have a face to face conversation with anyone, there's more to it than just the words. Our voice tone is also vitally important, along with our facial expressions and body posture. A loud, angry tone can make all the difference between a "polite request" and an "order." A sneer or a roll of the eyes can turn a friendly remark into a contemptuous one. But words alone are still important.

I hope you'll take the first piece of advice Mack gave on this board, which is to get a tiny digital recorder (if you don't have one already) and keep it turned on any time you're having a conversation with your wife. That acts as a reminder to watch what you're saying and how you're saying it, but more to the point here, if you're having trouble figuring out why your wife (or the counselor) sees you as "verbally abusive," you can easily review afterwards what was said or discuss it with others.

Also if you haven't done so already, I'd recommend reading Patricia Evans's The Verbally Abusive Relationship. If any parts of the book don't seem to fit you or your understanding of the world, don't worry; the reason I suggest this book in particular is that it's the best book I know of for identifying and categorizing in detail what kinds of interactions can constitute "verbal abuse." I hope it will help you to figure out what's been going on between yourself and your wife.

Good luck, and I hope you'll keep posting to let us know how it's going.

[terrythompson]

Thank you for all the ideas and information. The book you listed is one that I am reading right know. The counselor had my wife read it. The book is helpful.

[mbcrotts]

I am so thankful that I found this site. I went with a lady for about 16 month after my wife died and suddenly she just came to my house last July and said "I am ending our relationship". It devastated me. While we were together she would "complain" of my saying things that made her love for me wan or dissipate, this over several months before she ended "us". I failed to say up front of this post that I fell very hard for this lady and was in love with her so so much and only had eyes for her the entire time we were together. While with her and when she would make complaints, such as when we were at a lake house I own, when returning I asked her why she seemed hurt, she said because when she asked where the salt shaker was I responded "right in front of you." Then there was a time when she had complete set the table on the deck for us to eat dinner, I was grilling, and I noticed that she had not gotten the plates. I said to her "You forgot the plates". Well, when she brought these statements of mine up as having hurt her or "tarnished her love" for me, I defended them, both to her at the time and after she broke up with me. For a few weeks after she broke up I defended my position in our relationship (most of this to close friends, relatives etc.) that my girlfriend was "too sensitive". I wrote email after email, none of which I sent, telling her how she was overly sensitive. I finally concluded that she was a "classic prima donna" in that she wanted everything just right, and could not adjust to a normal relationship. I googled "prima donna" and learned that it applies to a lady who is conceited and who has little tolerance for others at times etc...so I spent all of my energy justifying that I had been "good and fine" in my conduct and words toward my girlfriend and hence whatever problem existed was "her problem" and not mine. The fact is that my late wife had complained to me on several occasions that I was verbally abusive to her, one statement that she made that resounds in my heart, did, especially when I was first experiencing the real shame for what I had been to her and my subsequent girlfriend, was she said "Honey, I just want you to treat me like you treat your friends. I just want to be your friend". I now think I truly realize what she meant by that. So, I knew deep down that I must have had a problem that pre existed going with my girlfriend. In fact, when my X (referring to my girlfriend with "X" solely for brevity purposes and no disrespect intended) broke up with me, it dawned on me that if I had a problem with my late wife, then maybe, just maybe there was a problem also with my X. So, I asked my X if she would accompany me to visit a Christian couple with whom I attend church, and who were also in contact with my late wife, and in whom my late wife confided some. I asked my X if she would be willing to accompany me there for a meeting at which I wanted her to tell them exactly what it was that I had done to her that had caused her to leave me. She, my X, was very sweet and understanding when I asked her and replied: "Of course, Milton, I am still your friend. It is the least I can do" I cried when she said this to me (I cry very easily, both from sadness and from joy, or anywhere in between.)She accompanied me to their home on Saturday night following her break up and had a note prepared that she later gave to me when I asked if I could have it. It told her she (my X) fell head over heals for me in the beginning and felt in love, then, she says, as the relationship progressed it go to where I would say things that would tear her down and hurt her. She ended her brief note by saying in the end all she felt was stress and anger. Among some words she jotted down on her note was the word "insolent." While praying and thinking one morning about 4:00 a. m., still wondering why and how she could have left me, after I had been so good and decent to her, I pondered her use of the word "insolent" thinking it to be a terribly harsh way to described me, who I then thought was a very decent and loving boyfriend to her while we were together. I looked up "Insolent" in Websters, to find that it means "boldly disrespectful". Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks, and a light came on, and I had an unequivocal revelation that Indeed, I, Milton, had been boldly disrespectful to her. While such statements (re where is the shalt shaker?) like "right in front of you" sounds innocuous enough when just repeated in a monotone sort of manner. However, I knew that I had probably not said it in a loving or respectful or solely communicative manner. Rather I had probably seethed or at least frowned and sort of "spit it out" when I said it. When I thought about my manner of delivery, I realized that when I said it, I must have clearly implied to my X that she was a dummie, how dare her have to ask for something that is right here handy. Rather than say "Honey, I think it is right there...or Honey, I believe it is in front of you on the table there...etc." I had to snap and my "tone of voice" was clearly of a nature as to be insulting and disparaging of her at the time. There are a host of other similar incidents wherein I made statements that one could later argue were so innocent, when in fact, when I am truthful with myself and search my memory, and my history, including with my late wife, I realize that I must have said things in a tone of voice that was demeaning, as well as in using perhaps body language that when coupled with the entire situation as it then existed, amounted to an insult, a put down, certainly a demeaning manner of speaking to ones girlfriend.

The light came on that morning at 4:00 a. m. and I then began to accept and realize for certain that I had been a verbal abuser. At some point subsequent to this I did write a long letter to my X in which I at first had gone through and defended all of my actions, but then, on coming to look up the word "insolent" I realized that I was "guilty" guilty of being verbally abusive to her. What I mean to say is that I was actually writing this note to her and it was when writing this note to her that I discovered the meaning of the word insolent, looking it up in the dictionary, and then is when the light came on, so I "changed my tune" in my note, and upon the revelation that I had in fact been verbally abusive to her, I admitted it and told her I was sorry and I asked her to forgive me for this. This note I delivered to her after she gave me permission to drop by her house.

At some point shortly after giving my X this note, I found Particia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change" and read it, and re-read it, in fact am on my 4th reading of it now. I have also read, I think, two of her other books.

While my X and I are not seeing one another and she has made it crystal clear that she at no time wishes to renew our relationship, she has none the less been so sweet and understanding in allowing me to bounce some of my ideas off of her, actually, not bouncing as much as telling her how I now realize without any question at all, that Indeed, I "was" a classic verbal abuser. I use the past tense by saying "was" because I believe with all of my heart and mind that I am becoming healed and so any reference to my being "now" a verbal abuser, I deem incorrect. Of course, I know that I am not totally healed by any stretch of the word, however, I think that therapeutically, it is very important that I think of myself as being healed, or essentially healed such that any suggestion that I AM a verbal abuser is incorrect. I do not mean this in a prideful or egotistical manner at all.

I am considering undertaking what is called EMDR treatment, which stands for "Eye Movement desensitization and Reprocessing" which was recommended to me by Patricia Evans herself in a brief personal note to me by email. Certainly without going into a detailed explanation of what this is (In fact I don't know a whole lot about it yet), it seems that there is an ability to use this operation or procedure to enable one to eliminate or minimize ones traumatic memories, that is, to erase or minimize a bad child hood experience, which, as we know from reading PE's book, can be and is often a cause for us wanting to make our significant other into our "dream woman" (reference PA's Book The VA Man, Can He change?")

To me, recovery is first total and complete acceptance and acknowledgment that indeed, I am a verbal abuser (albeit for therapeutic purposes I think of myself as a recovering verbal abuser, more healed than not and progressing every day!) and that I had absolutely no defenses, and with regard to my relationship with a lady whom I loved as much, if not more, than life itself, that I, and I alone was responsible for her leaving me; that she was justified in, and had to leave me. I have told her that several times and have never tried to back track from my total and complete admission that I had in fact been a classic verbal abuser to her. The only "mitigating factor" (if there be such) in all of this is that, as PE's says, I had absolutely no idea that I was a verbal abuser to the extent that I was a "classic" meaning I had developed a pattern of conduct that was certainly that of, hence I was, a verbal abuser to my girlfriend.

I know this post is way too long and I apologize for its length. I think that the act of posting it and talking about it among men is again, to use that familiar word I use "therapeutic" to me.

To try and close my post. I have to go on with my life knowing that I will never have my former girlfriend, the love of my life (without comparing her to my dear late wife, who was of course, the Love of My life before she died) back. I am OK with this as I know that good has come of our relationship even though we cannot be together, her choice. I am not bitter, I refrain from being hurt (surely I had plenty of moments, hours, days, of "hurt" and remorse over this fact) as hurt and pity never got me far in life. Mind you, humility, hopefully a new found humility, will get me so so far ahead. Compassion, all of the adjectives used in an earlier post are so apropos. In the middle of all this, and without whom I could do nothing, is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whom I and my late wife accepted in 1982, so everything good that happens to me through all of this and my continuing healing and inner strength and reconstitution of who I am (I too think that I am returning to who I was, before "whatever caused me to verbally abuse happened. I. e. childhood experiences, trauma (not physical or sexual) etc.) everything that I become is due to the LORD. That is to be unthankful for all of this wonderful recourse, however, I choose in life to always give the Lord the Praise and Glory for all the good things that He blesses me with.

I am keenly interested in anyone per chance on this board who has had any experience with the EMDR therapy.

I also ran across a book by Dr. Charles L. Whitfield. MD "Healing the Child Within" which I believe is somewhat, if not, the classic, in getting in touch with ones inner child and leaning to "let him out" as I characterize it. The book teaches that the "true self" is one that does not always follow convention and all that society, parents, peers, preachers, teachers, etc. tell us is the "right thing to do or say", and acknowledges that within us all there is that TRUE SELF, the inner child, that just wants to BE HIMSELF!! I think that I am becoming that "child" more every day.

Thank you so much, Mack, and others for sharing and devoting so much of your time to this site. I thank the Lord that I came upon it a few months ago. Again, I apologize for the length of my post. Whether it is read or not does not matter to me as I simply wanted to tell some of "my story". I believe that I am on the way to complete recovery. Once I realized after reading PE's book, that I was doing this, indulging in a pattern and course of conduct whose only path was to destroy my significant other's self esteem and dignity and so on, I saw that there was only one course of action that I could take, and that is that I am devoting many hours to reading, meditating on, praying about, and just thinking about how I am "restructuring myself" to become that man that I always was, just that he was not manifesting due to my childhood experiences that made me hide this true good and decent man. I believe that I am a good man an honest and honorable man, and as such, I am able to act decent and honorable to any person, certainly not the least of which is my significant other, whomever she is to be. And last but not least, I am able to just LOVE now, love everyone for who they are, I no longer try and reconstitute them in my mind, rearrange things about them etc. Just Love everyone exactly as THE LORD MADE THEM.

Computer is losing memory, Must Run. Hate to lose this post. God Bless you Mack, and Everyone.

Milton

[pope]

I am so happy that I found this and will take the steps for recovery!

[xrayman720]

I am a verbal abuser. I need help! I'm curently looking at my self in a differnt light. I trust that god and thearpy will place me on the road to recovery.. So recovery here I come. My wife of 23 years is a sweet heart and I look forward to healing that relationship. She seperated because of my verbual and emotional abuse. I have two beutiful kids who need me to be healthy and stable. I know that healing a long painful process, but my life is never easy

[philster]

Hi xrayman720,

Welcome to MEVAC.
This is truly a wonderful place. There are a number of men in similar situations working on becoming recovering verbal abusers and controllers. There are also a number of survivors who are working on their healing. Together these people share experience in a very positive way.

If you have not done it already I suggest you send a message to Mack who is the site administrator. Read as much as you can on this site and the wonderful books by Patricia Evans

Take care and welcome
Phil

[buckeye]

I am a verbal abuser as well. I have lost the woman who meant the most to me in this world due to my verbal abuse. I am working with a counselor, talked with Patricia Evans and have in my opinion made huge strides in changing me. I have accepted the fact that the woman I love may never forgive me for the rotten things I have said but my knowledge now will help me grow into a better man. I think this website is another step in the recovery and I am very interested in learning how others have done it and changed for the better.

Mack, on a personal note, you stated you are a recovering verbal abuser. I think it is much like AA you are never recovered...the moment we think we are recovered will be the moment we lapse back into our hateful self. I know this from personal experience because I supposedly "recovered" once...and I lapsed back into the hateful man that I couldn't even look in the mirror at. That lapse cost me the woman who loved me like no other and I hope that she will see t he change I have gone through and will remember the good way I treated her.

Thanks and thank you for this site.

[movingon]

I can admire the courage displayed on the pages of this website, albeit begrudgingly. It is particularly hard for men to admit they have a problem but coming from a woman: in my eyes what you do here makes you men. You are tackling the bull by the horns, you are slaying the dragon, you are taking control of a problem, you are dealing with your demons. All the things men are supposed to do. You are setting an example in a world where many people still think its OK to treat people like that. That we do not need feelings. You are admitting, owning up for the whole world to see. For a victim this kind of thing from her abuser it is the first ray of sunshine that breaks through after a torrential downpour. It is the beginnig of hope, the seed of hope.

You are standing up against narcism in an increasingly narcistic world. This is manhood.

As for the victim. There are no books out there that can take away her pain. As for me, I cling to God. It has made me rely and trust on God more than ever in my life. It is the only real good I can see that came from this for me.

[spinner]

Amen to that movingon. God promises not to save us from the fire, but through it. He refines us into what He needs for us to be.

So glad you are here!!


Spinner

[mcollier]

hi my name is mike. ive always knew i was an abuser. i just never knew how to stop. i accept full responsibility for my actions. always have military taught me that. i wasnt always like this. my story goes like this: i joined the military in 1989 to start some kind of future for myself. it was the best thing for me since my mon and step father abused and torchered us all the way up til i was 18. i had enough and knew i was legal to leave and i did. anyone who s served time in the military knows they teach or brainwash military codes of conduct. everything a soldier would need to fight in a war. they teach u control, why because if they throw u into a combat situation u have to maintain ur composure in battle so u dont get the next guy killed. u have to be in control of ur thoughts ur behavior ur actions all of it. that military tradition put the controlling part into my head. it was learned behavior. well this overlapped into my marriage. where evrything had to had to be perfect or done right and it consumed me. i never diffrentiated between the two. i took the military that serious. so 20 years later it syill haunts me. another thing i realized that men might not know. if u r this type of person, being with the wrong woman can trigger this behavior. my wife triggered it all the time. we married for all wrong reasons and we never meshed. but i dated since and i noticed i dont do certain behaviors. its hard to explain. thats y i know i have a problem but i dont beat myself up over it because i now know some of it was because of who i married. we werent meant to be. there alot of variables to consider with this disease. controlling leads to other bad stuff. also FEAR is not talked about much. its in the bible. fear can influence this abusive behavior. anger is fear, fear of failure, fear of just about anything. good example, i met this wonderful woman, whom i believe is my soulmate. but my abusive behavior is destroying the relationship and it may be too late. that s what lead me here. i prayed to god to send me someone and i believe he sent her to me to finally see what im doing and to fix it for good. she has broken up with me 4 times in our 5 month relationship. and i love her so much that each day i fear she is gonna break up with me so i lash out in anger cause she is hurting my feelings. i do that to people if they hurt me i lash out at them. and she was severly abused by a man many years ago and my behavior snapped her backed into time when she was abused. so we r walking fine line with her. if she didnt truly and honestly feel the love i have for her, she would have walked. im 40 and never been in love til now. if u r man and think thats cheesy or wimpy, then u never experienced love. the love i have for her has given me the strength to better myself and i have. i think learned behavior is key and not wanting to lose the love of my life is another and to better myself as a man as well. i apologize if im all over the place. i just type what im thinking. i have rapid thoughts. sorry. just thru reading and knowledge ive already begun to change. another item is my marriage caused me to do this. we would argue over dumb stuff call each other names. we did everything wrong but im reading on how normal people do things so if i find someone normal and i get better in time i will be fine. it wont happen over night. my marriage is the biggest contributing factor to me getting out of hand and making it a part of my everyday living. but im moving on. i hope i have mentioned something in here that sparkeda thought in their head and has helped them.. thanks mike

[freespirit]

Hello;
I am married almost 12 years to a controlling, verbally and religiously abusive man who is in denial and has made no steps to "seeing himself" and seeing any need for change...we have been separated for almost a year and he is "still blaming me for breaking up our family" by leaving his household. I am still healing.

I am a music minister/singer/songwriter and I am "on sabbatical" in two congregations due to the healing needed from 11 years of living and "submitting" to my dear husband. I love him. We are christians but he is not acting like one at all. I have given up hope that he will even try; he has refused counseling with a mutual Pastor and "blew up" in my home in August; I will not even try to talk to him about the LOSS of hope that I have; how inane it is for him to talk about me 'moving back' into his home when he has done NOTHING to help reconcile our marriage or relationship at this point.

Thank you for this site; it was recommended to me and I am here using the same name as I use on the other site (HI J!) ;D

mcollier said:

FEAR is not talked about much. its in the bible. fear can influence this abusive behavior. anger is fear, fear of failure, fear of just about anything.

My husband and I were brought together by God; he fails to see how God did it. I do not feel loved by him; do not believe that he loves me or knows HOW to love another adult; he can only love his children but seems to be "using them" to justify himself. I am not even in his thoughts it seems.I believe that my husband and I were brought together for a greater purpose; we have a wonderful son but I could "do no more". I believe that my dh has much fear; fear of man (rather than God) and fear of loss and hurt and pain and all the things he tries to control.

I appreciate the success stories of "recovering verbal abusers" on this site...it warms my heart to see a man "act like a man" and accept and own up to his own sins and weaknesses...my dh is still in denial...a prayer for him, Robert, would be very appreciated...

I call myself "freespirit" because I refuse to be bound by verbal/emotional or spiritual abuse ever again.

Praying for you all

[kdouglas]

I am a verbal abuser and have also recently lost the love of my life. I know that I need help and have come here via Patricia Evans site to learn, share and recover from my sin of verbal abuse and control. I know that my behavior and acts of abuse are not in-line with the spirit of our Saviour, Jesus Christ and I have been convicted by him to change my heart, to become a better man and reformed Christian.

Blessing to all my Brothers who are here to heal and recover from this hateful manifestation of the spirit...pray for me.

kyle

[grm95]

Mack,

I am very grateful for this website and even more grateful that I found it. I have recently come to the realization that I am a verbal abuser. This site is an actual resource for the abuser himself and I've been looking for weeks now for a support group resource like this. I'm 52 years old and grieve that I waited so long to see the obvious signs of my destructive behavior. I look forward to connecting with this resource of recovery.
George

[Mack]

George,
I'm thrilled that you are here!
You have taken a major step today.
I look forward to speaking to you.

With Love,
-Mack

[gordonj]

I am glad to be here; its a bit overwhelming there is so much to take in and digest. But I think I can honestly say now that I am a verbal abuser and boderline physical if not at the most purposefully physically threatening but in subtle way to intimidate my wife, if you know what I mean; some may not understand what I mean by that. I never hit my wife but I purposefully make her think I might but not outright. Does that make any sense to anyone at all? I'm lost.

[conrad]

Gordonj,
Welcome!
I think I know what you mean. In our insecurity, we will use our physical dominance to control. Because we are so much bigger, it doesn't take much to intimidate our wives, though they may hide their fear. I encourage you to join us in ending abuse and becoming the peaceful, gentle, giving, compassionate, loving man you know in your heart you were meant to be.
I suggest going to the General Board and posting some of your questions. I know this process can be overwhelming. We have to change ourselves from the inside out. If we thought about how much food we had to eat in the next year, we would also be overwhelmed, which is why we are given the miracle of divided days to get each tasks done at the appropriate time. Right now, try to think of yourself as a vacuum, trying to suck up all the information you can. For this process to work, your wife does not need to change, you will. And it is an incredible transformation.
Mack has e-mailed you the list of requirements before you are able to talk with him on the phone, enter the journal area, and be on the conference calls. I strongly recommend tackling the list of requirements so your brain can start changing.
With much love and positive feelings! You can do this!
Jeff

[Mack]

IMPORTANT - The small sections of the website that you can see before your activation as a member are not updated very often - I get many emails asking if the site is still live and active - YES IT IS! Once you are activated as a member you see more of the site where many hundreds of men are working and helping eachother to heal and grow...Please continue on...Register...Take the steps forward...