Post by Mack on Apr 25, 2012 14:02:53 GMT -5
MEVAC’s existence was an absolute Godsend: just finding it and reading the testimonials of fellow VACs could be likened to finding an oasis after being lost in the desert. The warmth with which I was received by you and the many other members who had committed themselves to change made me realise that there was hope, albeit along a long and rugged road: extending my earlier metaphor, I had found water; all I had to do was find a way to carry it with me.
My problem was alleviated, and continues to diminish, predominantly because of the writings of Patricia Evans and the others suggested on the MEVAC website.
For me, Controlling People was both a revelation and an inspiration: everything, from the numbing of my childhood feelings, the needlessly aggressive attempts to prove my “rightness”, the concept of a dream woman, and the resultant control techniques I employed was comprehensively exposed, and although I know that not everybody shares my respect for this book, it enabled me to see myself in a totally different light. It also became pretty easy to work out who had caused our marital discord, and so for the first time in a long while, I was actually able to engage in sensible and humble dialogue with my wife. She wasn’t interested in reading anything herself, leaving me to sort out my own problems, but she took a very firm stance (and still does) whenever I transgressed.
Let’s not say that the transformation has been easy, or that it is even close to being finished, but it has started …… and I have no plans to allow it to slide. In one of her books (Can he Change?), Patricia Evans suggested a checklist for abused wives to determine if her husband was capable of change. I cannot remember many of the signs she listed, but what did stand out for me was the need to keep reading – knowledge can be easily acquired, but applying it takes practice and reinforcement which can only come from on-going exposure.
I have been lucky: understanding the cause and effect of my behaviour made humility an easy pill to swallow; sharing my problems with family members, close friends and fellow MEVAC members reduced the burden; and having a wife who was strong enough to stand up to me and who was prepared to give me time to change, has made my journey possible. There is a way to go yet, and I suspect that at the age of 53, many of my more-entrenched quirks will be difficult to dislodge, but recognition of the hurt that I caused and my resolve to provide a happy environment for my family are motivation enough for me to continue on this road forever.
Thank you, Mack and MEVAC – I could not have done this without you.
Jonathan10
My problem was alleviated, and continues to diminish, predominantly because of the writings of Patricia Evans and the others suggested on the MEVAC website.
For me, Controlling People was both a revelation and an inspiration: everything, from the numbing of my childhood feelings, the needlessly aggressive attempts to prove my “rightness”, the concept of a dream woman, and the resultant control techniques I employed was comprehensively exposed, and although I know that not everybody shares my respect for this book, it enabled me to see myself in a totally different light. It also became pretty easy to work out who had caused our marital discord, and so for the first time in a long while, I was actually able to engage in sensible and humble dialogue with my wife. She wasn’t interested in reading anything herself, leaving me to sort out my own problems, but she took a very firm stance (and still does) whenever I transgressed.
Let’s not say that the transformation has been easy, or that it is even close to being finished, but it has started …… and I have no plans to allow it to slide. In one of her books (Can he Change?), Patricia Evans suggested a checklist for abused wives to determine if her husband was capable of change. I cannot remember many of the signs she listed, but what did stand out for me was the need to keep reading – knowledge can be easily acquired, but applying it takes practice and reinforcement which can only come from on-going exposure.
I have been lucky: understanding the cause and effect of my behaviour made humility an easy pill to swallow; sharing my problems with family members, close friends and fellow MEVAC members reduced the burden; and having a wife who was strong enough to stand up to me and who was prepared to give me time to change, has made my journey possible. There is a way to go yet, and I suspect that at the age of 53, many of my more-entrenched quirks will be difficult to dislodge, but recognition of the hurt that I caused and my resolve to provide a happy environment for my family are motivation enough for me to continue on this road forever.
Thank you, Mack and MEVAC – I could not have done this without you.
Jonathan10
