I am rather anxious myself. I started this quest in order to show that I was doing something about my abusive nature. Now I find myself actually wanting to change. I don't like being mean. I've started reading " The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I find much of what refers to the victim relates to me as well. I went through a long abusive marriage and am now in a slightly abusive relationship. While my GF has past emotional scaring, I feel she tests my anger. I know that does sounds like a copout, yet I find the book tends to back me up. I react to certain stimulus. Something the author seems to downplay as verbal abuse. I tend to disagree in that my words become far worst than the stimulus. I am not looking for more excuses. I am an abuser, as described in many of the details. I go to far. Mind you, I do like the book and feel it will be of great help. I would like to see some discussion on it, hopefully get into the forums. The threads so far have been a lot of help. Real men control themselves and there is no reason for abuse.
I'm still provisional. Been reading and done my story and have started my Twice daily regimen. Been doing the "to do" list. Idk if you can see the Twice daily regimen posts but if you can I have found that reading them has greatly hightened my awareness of what to do. Alot of good stuff there. Just my two cents. Hope it helps. Jb
It's been over a week since I registered and I am still waiting to be accepted. I can only see the guest posts and threads. I am really anxious to start my new life as a non-verbal abuser. I have read Patricia's book and now am ready to find the tools to start changing. Any help getting accepted would be appreciated, even the email with a to do list would help right now. Thanks
Welcome to MEVAC you are already on your way!! I see that you have expressed that it has been a while and you have yet to be accepted on the site as a provisional member. I know this can feel like a terribly long time to wait when you first get here but can tell you that it is more than worth it once the process is complete. The process is also important so that we can feel safe and secure, once we are in the journal area, as we begin to talk about our thoughts and feeling for our other brothers to help us process though. The current site moderator is Agate and he can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to reach out and see what is going on. I will also attempt to contact him on my end as well at our weekly conference call this Thursday.
While you are finishing your wait I would throughout three books that I often preach about here within the forums that have helped me greatly. For me these three books were different because they were more about offering solutions towards my own reform and recovery as appose to building additional awareness for the problem itself. Awareness is important but at some time we also need to devise plans of action so as to be able to use our awareness to end these behaviors once and for all.
First would be a book called "Love Without Hurt" by Dr. Steven Stosny which helps to outline some tools that we can use to help move us out of our broken hurt state and into a more positive state of value. He also outlines how to change our core values so as to re-wire our brains towards the path of recovery and new solid behaviors. Next would be "The Fifth Agreement" by Don Miguel Ruiz and his son don Jose Ruiz. This book helps to change our perception on the way we see things in our world. In this change comes a heightened sense of compassion and empathy as we start to learn how our own personal perspective is not always the only one or even the shared one when things are being viewed by others. Along the way this book also helps to build off of Stosny's work by showing us how to better define what our personal place of value can and should look like. Lastly there is one called "Emotional Abuse: Silent Killer of Marriage - A 30 Year Abuser Speaks Out" by Austin James. This is a book written from the perspective of an abuser whom finally became aware and was able to make great strides towards recovery and reform for himself. It provides much needed hope and inspiration as well as some interesting ideas and tools that may help you to more quickly get to the root of what caused you to behave this way in the past. This last one is like a level 100 college class in that it goes about 1 foot deep but has a width of a mile as far as material. What I did find within it was an awesome understanding of what I feel is likely to have led me to my current spot as well as some really nice avenues to continue my own research for my personal reform and recovery.
This last book may also be very helpful for your partner as well, assuming that you have one currently, if and when she is in a place where such material interests her as it really could help to outline some of what many abusers have faced that has led to their use of such negative behaviors in the past. A word of caution here though as many ex-victims do not want to be so actively involved in our own recovery and reform process and even when they do often we can face additional anger form our ex-victims as they start to better realize the level of our abuse. It may be best to hold on to books like this until you find your relationship on much more sure footing.
Welcome to MEVAC one more time and know that we are here to help each other and in the process help ourselves. We are all going through similar trials and whenever one man shares, we all grow from it. Keep the patience and know that on the other end of that perseverance will be a large plethora of materials that you will be able to consume and use to aid in your ultimate goal which is to end once and for all these negative behaviors from your life and the lives of those you are closet to. God bless brother.
Last Edit: Jun 17, 2015 11:12:34 GMT -5 by Soldier
If the stars were made to worship so will I. If the mountains bow in reverence so will I. If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I. For if everything exists to lift You high so will I. If the wind goes where You send it so will I. If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy, then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times
Post by AvoidNoMore on Jun 25, 2015 14:25:42 GMT -5
Hi, I guess I'll post here as other's have just because I am eager to get started sharing my story and becoming involved on this site, to become who I have always thought of myself to be.
I have recently discovered and accepted I am a verbal abuser. I started reading my Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and then came across this site independently, although apparently she recommends it, so that's good.
The first 50 pages of the book spoke to me, and something really clicked. Beyond her explanations of what the abuser goes through and feels like, she had a list of what two people who are in a "Personal Power" healthy relationship bring to the table, and they all read like an expansion of the idea of "You have to love yourself before you can love another." And the list hit me, because two thirds or more of the items I felt I didn't feel towards myself. I feel like I final have exposure one of the root causes of my relationship problems that I have been blind to in a way before now.
I picked an initial username of fancyman55 (I don't know, something anonymous?), but will change it probably to "AvoidNoMore" or something similar as I think so far my biggest problem is avoiding responsibilities, or things I don't want to deal with, in my life. That seems to start nearly every abusive situation with my wife in one way or another, so that is a big focus for me right now.
Looking forward to becoming an active member, and finding positive change.
Post by IWantToHeal on Jun 26, 2015 9:14:18 GMT -5
Welcome AvoidNoMore. It's interesting that you picked up on the dynamics of a couple in a personal power/healthy relationship. We who have undertaken this journey are learning to relate to our spouses/partners from the standpoint of love, compassion, and humility instead of ego. You have come to the right place for support, guidance, love, and wisdom. Continue to be patient. We are looking forward to you making out of the guest phase, into the provisional phase, and then to the journal area. Well wishes.
The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace - St. Paul the Apostle